YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
