I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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