I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
