Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
