this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
