I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
