My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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