Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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