woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
