god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize