"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
