The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
