whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
