New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Someone came in the potted fern
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
