I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
