I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
