Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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