these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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