well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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