its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
