Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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