Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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