I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
