tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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