he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
