I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
