Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
