i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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