New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
