nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
