nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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