so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
