I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
