The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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