Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i think my cat just said my name.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
