I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
