I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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