the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
