it was like fucking gandolphs beard
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
