my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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