Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
