I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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