There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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