Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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