I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
this is an emotional support booty call
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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