i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
