I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
