Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
