the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just want nice things and good sex
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
