I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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