don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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